Someone smelled like catfood on the subway this morning.
Now, I’m not the cleanest or most organized person on the planet. I tend to leave clothes on the floor of my room as opposed to hanging them in a closet. I rarely, if ever wear matching socks (I just checked and I’m wearing two mismatched but similarly colored argyle socks). Rarely, but occasionally, I’ll forget to wear deodorant and will end up smelling like sweat. These are all minor offenses.
I would never in a million years leave my house reeking of cat food.
Let’s get one thing straight; cat food is one of the most repellant, godless substances on the planet. It is offensive to all sensory faculties; it looks, smells, feels, tastes (probably) and even sounds disgusting. If there were more senses, I’m sure those would be offended too. If I were to design my own personal hell, it would involve cat food somehow. I’m very serious.
Who could possibly have left their house smelling like this? I imagine a young, attractive man or woman standing by their front door, checking their hair in a mirror, going through their last second, out-the-door ritual: “Let’s see, am I ready to leave? I brushed my teeth, have my keys, cell phone… oh, gotta get my Netflix to drop off at the post office… how do I smell? (sniff, sniff) Huh, I smell like cat food… like, a lot… wow, how the hell did that happen?… oh well, I’m sure no one will notice I smell like the inside of a cat’s mouth… Ok, look out world, here I come!”
There was a homeless man on the train as well. He didn’t smell too good either but he’s homeless. He has a perfectly understandable reason. The cat food person was probably on their way to work.
As I stood smashed up against about fifteen other people, none of whom were the clear culprit, I remember thinking, “maybe the smell is tuna fish.” I considered this for a moment but eventually dismissed it. Who eats tuna at 9 O’clock in the morning? Then I got worried that the smell was coming from me; it was that strong. The girl standing next to me kept looking over. Did she think I was the one who smelled like cat food? I began to panic a little. I would rather leave my house without pants then leave smelling like cat food.
Fortunately, when I got off the train I found that the errant odor had dissipated. I stopped having panic attacks, and the commute to work continued with relative normalcy (though, with significantly more disgust).
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