That Finger

I’m sitting in the office reading All About Weddings by Ellen Bell when that very important question everyone asks themselves at least eight times during the span of their life comes up: “If I had to lose a finger, which one would it be?” I give the question ten seconds before deciding on the ring finger. It’s the only logical choice. Every other finger serves a certain function that I would not be able to part with. They are of great value and importance to me and should be to all fellow humans.

The Thumb- also known as the opposable thumb is possibly the most important finger on the hand. It separates us from most animals. It helps with grabbing and holding objects; you’ll never see a cat comfortably hold a cup. When given an idea or positively answering a question we can give a thumbs-up to show our confidence or agreement to whatever is being presented to us. It’s the hitchhiking finger. Am I really ready to part with the tool that allows me to travel upstate with complete strangers for free? I think not. It’s also a great combination finger, but I’ll get to those later, so for now I’ll just give the thumb a thumbs up and move on to the next finger.

The Pointer- its ridiculous the amount of uses this one finger has. First off, it points stuff out. Things I like, things I don’t like, awesome things, disgusting things. For children, they can have that moment where both kids point at each other and say, “He did it!” while the person doing the yelling puts it in front of them, bringing it up and down with that “tisk tisk” thought process. It picks the nose. It’s the go to move for white boys while we dance. Maybe I should get rid of this finger? But no. This is the finger I shove in the faces of people I don’t like. It pokes them in the chest as to say, “Hey you, I’m not liking the attitude.” It’s another great combination finger.

The Middle Finger- two jobs. One is to flip people off. The other is it makes a great combination with its brother fingers.

I think it’s time to get to combination fingers already. The thumb and pointer can make a gun. You can pretend to shoot people while you wink and say smooth things. I’ve put myself on the spot to say something smooth. I got nothing, but I imagine it ending with me saying “toots” or “dame”. What is smooth in my head turns out to be rather offensive to women. The thumb and pinky have the surfer signal going on. I suppose that’s pretty neat. The pointer and pinky have the “rock on!” devil horns. The pointer and middle finger have the international sign for peace and rabbit ears in photographs. They also make scissors for Rock, Paper, Scissors. The only good combo the ring finger makes with the others is the Vulcan salute. Nothing else.

The Ring Finger- people put rings on them. Wow, watch out. It’s a terrible combo finger. Some cultures believe it to be a magical finger. That’s a load of bull. It can’t even stand up all the way without the assistance of the others. All About Weddings explains rings were put on that finger on the left hand because it was believed the heart and that finger were connected through an artery. If you can see the expression on my face, then you know I’m not buying it. I have no problem putting rings on other fingers; after all, Green Lanterns wear their power rings on the middle finger. Add that to reasons to keep the middle finger.

The Pinky- some call it the little finger. Many people choose this to be the finger they lose because they think the ring can pick up the pinky’s slack. I’ll tell you right now that it can’t. The pinky works well with the others. Several functions were named in the combinations. The main reason why the ring finger can never be the pinky is the same reason the pinky is so vital to human culture. Pinky promises. If you swore to me and stuck out your ring finger on your four fingered hand I wouldn’t accept and believe you to be a liar. From kindergarten on that’s how you let people know you’re not lying. Fact- they make you swear on a bible at court because it would take too long to go around a courtroom pinky promising everyone.

I’m looking at my hand now and it would look bizarre without the ring finger or any finger for that matter. I wonder what finger cartoon characters are missing. Technically it would be the middle finger because with only four there is no middle, therefore it loses its name.

The more I look at my hand, the more I never want to lose a finger. Sure it would hurt, but more importantly it wouldn’t look right. Plus, the only way I’m going to lose my ring finger is if some psycho asks me which of my fingers I want him to cut off. The only other ways would result in me losing other fingers or a whole hand.

I’m uncomfortable now.

I never want to lose any fingers, but if I had to it would definitely be the ring fingers.




Filed under Joe

2 responses to “That Finger

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  2. I function with these dogs and as far as animal behavior goes, I am a firm believer in nurture and coaching. I have met Jack Russell Terriers that I would not go in close proximity to again, but have in no way had a poor experience with an American Staffordshire Terrier. If you’re speaking about their owners- well, which is a several story. People are creatures as well, and we have a tendency to each have our personal suggestions about “moral concepts”.

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