It is shark week on the Discovery channel and for whatever reason, no matter how frightened people are of sharks, they can’t help but be drawn into stories about them killing people.
Yesterday I was lounging on my couch waiting to go to work when I saw the craziest story about a shark attack.
Three dudes were surfing. One caught a wave while the other two remained in the shallower end. One was ripped out into deeper water. His friend said the thing was gigantic and looked like a whale so he swam to shore, thinking his friend was dead. The third surfer met up with his friend on shore and watched the attack from afar. He said it looked like there were five sharks attacking, having a feeding frenzy on their friend. The man who originally left his friend out there made eye contact with his friend and realized it wasn’t five sharks. It was a shark and a group of dolphins. The dolphins were circling around his friend and protecting it from the ungodly beast. They’re like the sea police. He swam out and put his friend on his bored as they swam to shore. Some of the dolphins provided assistance and protection while he was taking him back.
This week in the Respect Market dolphin stock rose 57 points.
This story had me saying crazy stuff all day like, “Man I hope a shark tries to attack me so dolphins can come to my rescue.”
Then it got more extreme to the point of, “I hope they attack one of my friends while I’m lying on the beach talking to some crazy hot babe. I’ll tell her that I’ll be right back and head to the water. The lifeguard will try stopping me saying something crazy like, ‘Don’t be a hero!’ ‘Leave no man behind,’ is what I’d respond with. He tries stopping me one more time, which results in him getting punched in the face. I jump into the water and swim to my bloody friend. I punch the shark in the face and its attention is directed towards me now.
Enter dolphins.
They swim around the shark while I get my friend. I throw him on one of the dolphins back as I ride the other to shore. I look like Aquaman. We make it back to shore where all the humans greet us. I kiss the dolphin on the forehead and tell him thanks. He winks and says, ‘Anytime.’ I walk back to crazy hot babe I mentioned before while stepping over the bleeding lifeguard with a bloody nose. My friends fine too.”
I also envisioned that if a shark attacked me and took my legs and an arm, (because that’s what happens on shark week, people lose their limbs). I’m lying in the hospital. The doctor says, “There isn’t much we can do.”
“Call the government,” I demand. The government then approves the idea of granting me bionic limbs. They give me legs that run as fast as a train. They look cool, too, they’re not like those skinny legs they give people or the plastic ones. These are hardcore metal. They connect to all my nerves so I have great control over them. The braking system is amazing as well. Plus, I can shatter bones when I kick people.
My bionic arm has super strength. They hook me up with a rotating system of gadgets on it. Once again, it’s connected to my nerves so I have complete control over this. There’s a grappling hook, gun, flamethrower and some other cool accessory I didn’t think of yesterday. There’s a communication system in there and a GPS.
I agree to do missions for the government with this new equipment until the president demands something ridiculous of me.
“I will not kill those innocent people Mr. President!”
My services have been terminated and now the government is after me.
At this point, I fell asleep. There were no cool dreams to follow.
Be safe in the water, most likely none of the above would happen if you’re attacked by a shark.
pressing digressions 